Pillars

The sunlight peeks through the curtain
Falling softly on your hair
I sit in wonder
Suprised that you’re actually here
As you sleep I lay silently
Grinning from ear to ear
My page is finally turning
A new chapter finally here
Funny how life turns with the blow of the wind
Funny how when you’ve given up it happens again
It’s like it prepares you to see things more clearly
To hold more valuable and true
Despite what your head tells you
The heart always rules
Sleeping beauty your presence eases me so
I throw my arm around you softly
Daring never to let you go
Dreams are stirring in that head of yours
While dreams being fulfilled in the head of mine

Whispers from ripples

My life whispers from ripples on still waters. No stone was cast that formed these ripples, only but teardrops. I shed these for my father. Taken by an aweful disease so unfitting for a great man. A man I strive to be. A man I strive to somehow please. Our generations are different but our bond was true. His moral compass has built my own that I carry with me now, constantly guiding me through what it takes to be a good man both inside and out. I lost my best friend, my best man, my role model, my father. Months have gone by and still I smile and laugh. I don’t feel anymore joy in my life, I use it as an escape. Life is tough and will beat you down in a hurry if you don’t take it in stride and fight back harder. I’m a fighter. I’m a fighter with a missing corner man, a missing coach, struggling through many more rounds. I take the basic foundation taught to me and somehow learn a little more each time. I can hear him saying to me now, “you’re gonna have to cowboy up.” always said with a smile, in fact, I’ve never know him to wear anything other than a smile. Such a good man, such a missed man. I’m trying to do what’s right now because he would expect me too. When we meet once again in Heavan, I just want to hear him say “I’m proud of you” nothing more nothing less. I just want to hear that voice, that laugh, and see that smile. I don’t cry much these days. I hold it all within and when I can break away alone the tears will flow. I wish he would come into my dreams and talk to me, let me know he’s ok and that I’m remaining strong for him and my mother. I wish I could touch his hand, rub the back of his head, or just feel a good hug from the man I adore. He gave me a peculiar look during his final hours. By then his speech was no longer available but the sheer look in his eye had told me what he needed me to do. Take care of your mother and know I loved you both with all my heart. I’ll see you guys soon on the other side. Losing a part of your being is hard. We will all go through it at our own times. It never makes it easy and no two people grieve the same. I show my grief in the darkness of the night for when the sky is clearist so that I may just see his face again. I miss and love you Dad.

Your only son
Zac

Whispers from ripples

With the new year I’ve awaited impatiently hoping it’s coming marks the end of one chapter and the start of a new. The past year has not been kind. It began with doubt and ended with loss. It began with being preoccupied with foolish things and ended with the painful realization of what matters. It began with hope but ended with frustration. Farewell 2010.

With it’s passing, also too a bit of innocense slipped away with the passing of my father. The last bit of youth lost in the cruel dance of life. And while it can bring you to your knees like a ruptured disc, a new understanding and a profound shift in priorities are born. Here I sit, eyes wide open.

A new year brings about new possibilities and outcomes, wins and losses, good times and the bad, rights and wrongs, new experiences and routine, the list goes on and on. While it may just be another set of calender days, symbolically it provides a chance to wipe the slate clean, set new goals, chart a new direction, and dream about what could be as opposed to what the previous year was not.

I’m not making any resolutions this year. I’m not pulling the classic psychological psych out only to let myself down a month or so later. Why start a new year with small defeats? I’m not writing my new chapter with the foreshadowing of a tragedy.

In 2011 I will simplify. I will do only two things. I will strive for extra ordinary things or I will fail miserably trying. That is all, plain and simple. I will try new things, make new friends, make new memories, visit new places, laugh harder, love stronger, scare myself more, pray harder, give more, and love myself more. There’s a million other things I’ll do, each in it’s own time. I will fight harder for each of these things or fall flat on my face trying. Skinned knees, elbows, and busted face be damned, it’s mine to take. I want memories that will last a lifetime, stories I will carry with me, look back on, smile, laugh, cry, then laugh some more.

In fact, from this day forward and forever, this will be my resolution. No more silly goals that affect only one small area of my life, but life changing goals that make a lifetime. I want to bring the innocense back into my life that I haven’t had since I was a kid. A view of the world with childlike wonder through a clear pair of eyes.

I want to live as there’s no tomorrow. When my head hits the pillow at night, I want to sleep as if I’ve lived two days into one. I want to live life as it’s meant to be lived so farewell 2010 and hello life…

Father Time

I put my father’s watch on for the first time last night. While that might not sound like an earth shattering event, internally it was for me. It’s a beautiful watch given to him by his former employer for the number of years he spent there. He was proud of it but at the same time it marked a bittersweet passing knowing that his family outside of his real family was coming to an end. He valued the watch as a symbol of the many years, stories, and friendships that he was blessed with along the way.

I saw the watch for what it was. A gift for his service to his company, a hefty piece of Swiss engineering, and a valuable timepiece. It didn’t represent the same emotional ties and memories as it did for my father but that would change.

Before my father got sick he told me he wanted me to have his watch when he passed. I brushed it off, hoping it would be many years before such a realization would take place. My father wore his own fathers watch after he had passed and now he was offering me the same. For many years he wore it with pride, not only carrying a piece of his father in his heart but also wearing a reminder of time on his wrist in an old faded timepiece. I never gave it much thought then but time and circumstance seem to have a way of opening the eyes.

So now I wear my fathers watch. It fits loosely on my wrist, reminding me that my father was much more of a man than I am now. I will have it resized but internally I hope to grow as a man to fit his stature in the eyes of friends and family as well. I will wear his watch proudly, protecting it with my life, all the while reminded when looking at it that time marches on. We’re not guaranteed another turn of the hands but we’re blessed with each second that it counts off. I hope to make the best of my time remaining, God willing.

Passing The Relay

I could never fail to mention that through your fatherly love you were also my best friend. Jokes and pranks, we had some good times. The unconditional love we once shared. I looked up to you with youthful eyes and in your calm willing attitude you taught me the moral fabric of what it means to have conviction. A conviction others can see as a common bond that you and I will share until I can pass it own to my own generation. My father has built a large legacy in my heart and mind. With that legacy I’ll carry with me until my time on earth too shall pass. It’s in that time I hope my offspring knows you from the stories we tell to the lessons we hand down to my future son. My father lives on through me and God willing, through you.

When the circle is complete there will be a moment of awakening within us all that reflects my good father’s legacy. Still thrives, still teaches, and remains alive in each and everyone of us today. May your whisper carry on and find my ears, your love find my heart, your reason find my mind, and my idenity to find my place.

Until we meet again I’ll carry on your work, your spirit, and your legacy. I couldn’t imagine this day would come but I welcome the possibility that you left it to me. Left to me by the way our fates collided in the beginning when our eyes 1st met to the moment we shared our last. For it’s a labor of love and I’ll hold on tight.

Long Winding Road

This weekend has been a rough weekend for my father. His bout with his cancer, chemo, and radiation flowing through his body has worn the once strong, almost unstoppable man that I looked up to down. Diagnosed only September 28th, the disease and it’s medication has waged war against his body and mind since.

Thanksgiving Day was a good day. Despite his weak condition, his balding head from the radiation, we had a large family turnout at my aunts that day. It was the unspoken words that were the loudest. Nobody spoke of his cancer or the treatment, they were all just there to support him and see him. The large spread of food was only the afterthought. He ate well that day.

Since Thanksgiving, he’s lost his appetite. It was evident by Saturday, most evident by Sunday when he could only manage liquids such as Ensure. Much of this is due to the chemo. He’s remained in the bed all day with no strength to walk. The chemo has wreaked havock on his bowels too, an ungly truth to what cancer patients face, but a side kept secret for prideful reasons. The idea of adult diapers…nobody wants to face that. I’m told this all will return to normal after the chemo is finished. I just hope the chemo is finished before he is.

I know if he faces a hospital stay it will probably be his last. Instead of normal talks of Christmas buying, the talks are centered around his care, realities of post death planning, and the kind words we’d like to pass on. This is all a part of a sad reality everyone must face. Afterall, our mortality rate is always 100%.

I’ve always wondered if I’d like to know when I shall die in advance. I used to think I would like to know. Afterall you can tie up a lot of loose ends and change your life around in vain. I no longer think I would if faced with my fathers circumstances. It’s not much of a way to go. While his body fails him, his mind will quickly follow.

I feel helpless, like a bystander to a terrible accident. I can’t run away, I can only sit and watch the scene unfold before my eyes. I pray for strength a lot, I pray for the wisdom to have the right words when they are needed. But mostly I pray for peace for this good man riddled with this terrible disease. Peace of mind and peace from pain, peace with the unknown…

My father is a good man. He deserves that much.

Iron Bowl Thoughts

Vegas has Alabama favored to win this year’s Iron Bowl. Bama is a team coming into this game with homefield advantage, more depth, more talent, more experienced coaches, a deeper tradition, and a fan base like none other. On any given gameday, these factors are cornerstones to what makes a team successful. I respect that, you almost have to.

On the flipside, the Auburn Tigers are coming with a fire sparked by a once in a generation talent, Cam Newton, a host of young fellow playmakers, and a blue collar mentality in the trenches. The past few years have been nothing short of a rollercoaster for this team. With the painful exit of Tuberville and the entrance of Chizik, doubts grew about the programs direction. Fans from the other side of the state took shots at us, from our head coach, our “high school” offensive coordinator, the “gimmick” of the spread offense, and the leadership of our AD. Even some fickle fans of our own program voiced their doubts.

Mixed with Bama’s sucess and our precieved demise, it was clear that the power had shifted in the state. We were told that while Saban manned the post at Bama, we would always remain in his shadow. We were reminded over and over that they saw us as little brother. We were told that we’d never compete again.

Blink and you might have missed the quick rebound of the Auburn Tigers. Maybe lost in the grande illusions and their egotistical view of their place in college football, they overlooked the fact that Auburn is not a Johnny Come Lately, but in the modern era of college football, a program that is a contender.

When I think about the spirit of the Auburn Tigers I can’t help but to think that maybe a part of our sucess comes from this slight. All the doubts, all the offhanded remarks maybe forged the fight in our hearts and minds. A we against the world mentality, a coming together as strangers, friends, as family…The Auburn Family.

So as the Iron Bowl nears, as the teams face each other from opposing sidelines, a war will be fought in the hearts, minds, and spirit of the two. Despite Alabama and all it’s advantages on paper, there’s one intangible that I’m certain we hold that will make all the difference and that’s heart. The heart always prevails and we will walk off the field as winners. War Eagle!